The controlling mother ruined three generations of Villarino men. Her husband came to Los Angeles to get his Ph.D. in chemistry. In 1940 he had to walk away from his dream because his wife was pregnant with their son. I was told it was the right thing to do. Over time she must have gotten disenchanted with her husband's take home pay and arguments started over money. It seems her son witnessed some of the arguments between his parents. It did hurt this sensitive boy to hear his mother to debase his father, consequently he became determined to get that coveted Ph.D. no matter what. He wanted to make his father proud. His father died January 1968, he never got to see his son earn that degree.
The son is my husband who abandoned us, our son and me in July 1967. As I mentioned in my earlier blog I was never told of the plot my mother-in-law spun against me in their bedroom with the door closed. It appears she ordered her son to keep me in the dark about the cruelty she was capable to dish out. In July 1964 when she forced her son to keep her grandson she promised my husband they would pay for his education, in turn he has to keep her grandson. The child was born on 30 November 1964. She condemned to child to grow up without a father before it was born. In July 1964 when this woman forced her son to keep her grandson my husband made it quite clear that he will not be tied down by a child and if she reneged on her promise he will walk out on us. She did brake her promise and we lost my husband. He never paid any child support although he earned three times as much as I did. The moment he planned to abandon us he started on a self destruct path with drugs and whores. In 1970 he was offered a teaching position at the University of Kentuckey at Lexington, KY. This job lasted about 18 months because he was arrested for selling drugs to one of his students. A few days before his trial he fled the country but not before he was able to get a job at a university in Buccamaranga, Columbia. He could not stay there because he could not provide a background check, consequently the Columbian immigration asked him to leave the country. From there he spent some time on Isla de Providencia, a Columbian island, obviously he had to leave the island as well. In 1981 he somehow made it to Costa Rica where he now teaches at la Universidad de Costa Rica a San Jose Costa Rica since 1981. He has not contacted me although he knows I love him very much. I have written him letters, begging him to resume communications with me so we can work on a reconciliation.
Here was this woman who managed to get her husband to walk away from his dream, she tried to do the same to her own son only he chose to abandon his family rather walk away from his dream but in the end it was our son who had to forego his dream because I never earned enough money to pay for his Ph.D. education; my husband did not find it important to send his share of the child support. I am questioning my mother-in-laws motives. What has she gained by denying three generations of Villarino men their dream. What does she have to show for her dysfunctional, controlling behavior. I wonder if she ever has nightmares over ruining four lives. For that matter I like to know if my husband has a guilty conscience for what he did to us his family. It seems some people never learned anything about kindness or ethical intelligence otherwise
there would no be so much pain in this world.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
What causes a woman to become a controlling parent
I am researching human behavior since 1978 when I received intensive training as behavioral specialist at Health Services Command. Since then I read many books on the subject of dysfunctional behavior, much of what I read is so true and heartbreaking.
Not a day goes by when a dysfunctional person makes the news. In one of Dan Neuharth's Ph.D. book he mentions that a controlling parent has a fear that developed in early childhood. My mother-in-law used to tell everybody she came in contact that she was born a twin but her brother died, she also used to keep telling people that she had a miscarriage between each of her live births. I questioned why it was so important to her to tell the world over and over of her heartbreak. I can understand the need to air her grieve but how did that turn her into this controlling parent who restricted her son's boundaries, unless my husband's grandmother instilled that fear into my mother-in-law by constantly having reminded her that her brother died.
Deductive reasoning tells me, my mother-in-law grew up feeling guilty about not having her twin brother to grow up with. She developed this controlling behavior to cover for her insecurity. Her controlling behavior must have been already developed when she found herself pregnant with her son who was born in late 1940. I learned that my husband's father came to Los Angeles to study Chemistry but in 1940 he walked away from his college education. For some reason unknown to me my father-in-law took responsibility and got a job to support his future family. My husband used to tell me that his father did rarely partake in child care nor discipline and when at one time his father settled an argument in his favor between him and his mother he was very proud of his father.
My husband's intellect developed in early childhood, so at an early age he started to question his mother's behavior. Once a teenager his mother's behavior caused him to run away. He staid with aunts and uncles for a view days when his father came to take him home again. The last attempt to run away ended at the Canadian border where his father had to come and take him home again. Deductive reasoning tells me it was during these times when his father told my husband about his unrequited dream of a Ph.D. He must have regretted that he had to walk away from his college education to support his new family. My husband decided to go for his Ph.D. and nothing would stop him to achieve his goal. He wanted to make his father proud. My father-in-law died in Jan.1968, he would not see his son get the degree he had to forego. Joe did not survive his second heart attack. This was seven months after my husband abandoned us our son and me, his wife.
Not a day goes by when a dysfunctional person makes the news. In one of Dan Neuharth's Ph.D. book he mentions that a controlling parent has a fear that developed in early childhood. My mother-in-law used to tell everybody she came in contact that she was born a twin but her brother died, she also used to keep telling people that she had a miscarriage between each of her live births. I questioned why it was so important to her to tell the world over and over of her heartbreak. I can understand the need to air her grieve but how did that turn her into this controlling parent who restricted her son's boundaries, unless my husband's grandmother instilled that fear into my mother-in-law by constantly having reminded her that her brother died.
Deductive reasoning tells me, my mother-in-law grew up feeling guilty about not having her twin brother to grow up with. She developed this controlling behavior to cover for her insecurity. Her controlling behavior must have been already developed when she found herself pregnant with her son who was born in late 1940. I learned that my husband's father came to Los Angeles to study Chemistry but in 1940 he walked away from his college education. For some reason unknown to me my father-in-law took responsibility and got a job to support his future family. My husband used to tell me that his father did rarely partake in child care nor discipline and when at one time his father settled an argument in his favor between him and his mother he was very proud of his father.
My husband's intellect developed in early childhood, so at an early age he started to question his mother's behavior. Once a teenager his mother's behavior caused him to run away. He staid with aunts and uncles for a view days when his father came to take him home again. The last attempt to run away ended at the Canadian border where his father had to come and take him home again. Deductive reasoning tells me it was during these times when his father told my husband about his unrequited dream of a Ph.D. He must have regretted that he had to walk away from his college education to support his new family. My husband decided to go for his Ph.D. and nothing would stop him to achieve his goal. He wanted to make his father proud. My father-in-law died in Jan.1968, he would not see his son get the degree he had to forego. Joe did not survive his second heart attack. This was seven months after my husband abandoned us our son and me, his wife.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
It is very hard for me to write about a woman who was a dysfunctional, controlling mother. Over her lifetime she left a trail of broken children.
One of them is my husband whom I love very much. Because of his controlling mother and their family dynamics he never wanted any children when I found myself pregnant we planned to give the child up for adoption because at the time we did not have the financial means to support a child. At that time I was a new emigrant and my husband's dream was to get his Ph.D.. My husband's parents offered to take us in and pay for his education.
Unknown to me my husband's parents, particularly his mother demanded that he keep her grandchild in turn he got a paid education out of it. Certain controlling mothers use money as a mean to control. In other words the unborn child was nothing more than the object to control my husband.My husband was more than willing to give up the adoption for his Ph.D.. There was, however a caveat; if at any time his mother was to stop paying for the education all bets were off. We both were adults, yet this woman was unwilling to cut the apron strings with her son.
Can anyone imagine what a cruel thing this woman did to our unborn child? Our son was 2 1/2 Years old when my husband abandoned us. It took me 31 years to find out that this controlling woman was behind our heartbreak. As my son got older he repeatedly asked why his father left but I was never told of the unhealthy family relations my husband grew up with. Consequently I was never able to tell my son the hole truth.
Our son was 28 years old when my husband resurfaced and he too never told our son the butt ugly truth. Instead he told our son: "In my family my mother wore the pants, when she said jump you did not ask why you said how high." For anyone versed in psychotherapy my husband told the world he came from a family with a severely dysfunctional mother. My husband and our son look very much alike yet when they came face to face in 1993 they did not recognize each other. Our son had a long talk with his father but my husband did not tell him that his mother forced him into a situation he could not handle back in 1964. He also did not tell our son that he was deeply hurt by his mother's controlling behavior. Psychotherapists call this family loyalty.
Our son is intelligent, educated and an adult, after a lengthy tete a tete with my husband our son decided not to have anything to do with his sire. My husband protested claiming he is his father to which our son responded:"My father died a long time ago, you sired me but you walked away from fatherhood. Where were you when my mother was in the hospital for breast cancer treatment, where were you when I graduated from college. Where were you when I needed you?"
I write this blog for several reasons, for any father who thinks to abandon his children, don't.
For any man who comes from a dysfunctional family confide in your spouse, chances are she will love you enough to stand by you. I never stopped loving my husband and since I know just how traumatic it is to a child to grow up with a dysfunctional mother I hope that my husband finds it in his heart to give us a chance at happiness and right the wrong that has been done so long ago.
My son's psychological pain is so deep to cope with life he severed all ties to his father's family. He sees his grandmother as the woman who condemned him to a childhood without a father. In his eyes all those relatives are dysfunctional. According to psychologists one dysfunctional parent can create generations of dysfunctional offsprings.
The trauma of losing his father has left a wound in my son's heart as deep as a chasm yet neither my mother-in-law nor my husband are civil enough to apologize for the pain they caused due to their unhealthy behavior. My way to cope with the heartbreak is to tell the world that here is this man I love deeply but because of his mother he built this wall around himself that left me totally cut off of his tenderness.
There will be updates if anyone is interestd.
One of them is my husband whom I love very much. Because of his controlling mother and their family dynamics he never wanted any children when I found myself pregnant we planned to give the child up for adoption because at the time we did not have the financial means to support a child. At that time I was a new emigrant and my husband's dream was to get his Ph.D.. My husband's parents offered to take us in and pay for his education.
Unknown to me my husband's parents, particularly his mother demanded that he keep her grandchild in turn he got a paid education out of it. Certain controlling mothers use money as a mean to control. In other words the unborn child was nothing more than the object to control my husband.My husband was more than willing to give up the adoption for his Ph.D.. There was, however a caveat; if at any time his mother was to stop paying for the education all bets were off. We both were adults, yet this woman was unwilling to cut the apron strings with her son.
Can anyone imagine what a cruel thing this woman did to our unborn child? Our son was 2 1/2 Years old when my husband abandoned us. It took me 31 years to find out that this controlling woman was behind our heartbreak. As my son got older he repeatedly asked why his father left but I was never told of the unhealthy family relations my husband grew up with. Consequently I was never able to tell my son the hole truth.
Our son was 28 years old when my husband resurfaced and he too never told our son the butt ugly truth. Instead he told our son: "In my family my mother wore the pants, when she said jump you did not ask why you said how high." For anyone versed in psychotherapy my husband told the world he came from a family with a severely dysfunctional mother. My husband and our son look very much alike yet when they came face to face in 1993 they did not recognize each other. Our son had a long talk with his father but my husband did not tell him that his mother forced him into a situation he could not handle back in 1964. He also did not tell our son that he was deeply hurt by his mother's controlling behavior. Psychotherapists call this family loyalty.
Our son is intelligent, educated and an adult, after a lengthy tete a tete with my husband our son decided not to have anything to do with his sire. My husband protested claiming he is his father to which our son responded:"My father died a long time ago, you sired me but you walked away from fatherhood. Where were you when my mother was in the hospital for breast cancer treatment, where were you when I graduated from college. Where were you when I needed you?"
I write this blog for several reasons, for any father who thinks to abandon his children, don't.
For any man who comes from a dysfunctional family confide in your spouse, chances are she will love you enough to stand by you. I never stopped loving my husband and since I know just how traumatic it is to a child to grow up with a dysfunctional mother I hope that my husband finds it in his heart to give us a chance at happiness and right the wrong that has been done so long ago.
My son's psychological pain is so deep to cope with life he severed all ties to his father's family. He sees his grandmother as the woman who condemned him to a childhood without a father. In his eyes all those relatives are dysfunctional. According to psychologists one dysfunctional parent can create generations of dysfunctional offsprings.
The trauma of losing his father has left a wound in my son's heart as deep as a chasm yet neither my mother-in-law nor my husband are civil enough to apologize for the pain they caused due to their unhealthy behavior. My way to cope with the heartbreak is to tell the world that here is this man I love deeply but because of his mother he built this wall around himself that left me totally cut off of his tenderness.
There will be updates if anyone is interestd.
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