It is very hard for me to write about a woman who was a dysfunctional, controlling mother. Over her lifetime she left a trail of broken children.
One of them is my husband whom I love very much. Because of his controlling mother and their family dynamics he never wanted any children when I found myself pregnant we planned to give the child up for adoption because at the time we did not have the financial means to support a child. At that time I was a new emigrant and my husband's dream was to get his Ph.D.. My husband's parents offered to take us in and pay for his education.
Unknown to me my husband's parents, particularly his mother demanded that he keep her grandchild in turn he got a paid education out of it. Certain controlling mothers use money as a mean to control. In other words the unborn child was nothing more than the object to control my husband.My husband was more than willing to give up the adoption for his Ph.D.. There was, however a caveat; if at any time his mother was to stop paying for the education all bets were off. We both were adults, yet this woman was unwilling to cut the apron strings with her son.
Can anyone imagine what a cruel thing this woman did to our unborn child? Our son was 2 1/2 Years old when my husband abandoned us. It took me 31 years to find out that this controlling woman was behind our heartbreak. As my son got older he repeatedly asked why his father left but I was never told of the unhealthy family relations my husband grew up with. Consequently I was never able to tell my son the hole truth.
Our son was 28 years old when my husband resurfaced and he too never told our son the butt ugly truth. Instead he told our son: "In my family my mother wore the pants, when she said jump you did not ask why you said how high." For anyone versed in psychotherapy my husband told the world he came from a family with a severely dysfunctional mother. My husband and our son look very much alike yet when they came face to face in 1993 they did not recognize each other. Our son had a long talk with his father but my husband did not tell him that his mother forced him into a situation he could not handle back in 1964. He also did not tell our son that he was deeply hurt by his mother's controlling behavior. Psychotherapists call this family loyalty.
Our son is intelligent, educated and an adult, after a lengthy tete a tete with my husband our son decided not to have anything to do with his sire. My husband protested claiming he is his father to which our son responded:"My father died a long time ago, you sired me but you walked away from fatherhood. Where were you when my mother was in the hospital for breast cancer treatment, where were you when I graduated from college. Where were you when I needed you?"
I write this blog for several reasons, for any father who thinks to abandon his children, don't.
For any man who comes from a dysfunctional family confide in your spouse, chances are she will love you enough to stand by you. I never stopped loving my husband and since I know just how traumatic it is to a child to grow up with a dysfunctional mother I hope that my husband finds it in his heart to give us a chance at happiness and right the wrong that has been done so long ago.
My son's psychological pain is so deep to cope with life he severed all ties to his father's family. He sees his grandmother as the woman who condemned him to a childhood without a father. In his eyes all those relatives are dysfunctional. According to psychologists one dysfunctional parent can create generations of dysfunctional offsprings.
The trauma of losing his father has left a wound in my son's heart as deep as a chasm yet neither my mother-in-law nor my husband are civil enough to apologize for the pain they caused due to their unhealthy behavior. My way to cope with the heartbreak is to tell the world that here is this man I love deeply but because of his mother he built this wall around himself that left me totally cut off of his tenderness.
There will be updates if anyone is interestd.
