Be Open, Honest and Respectful To Your Spouse

This post is meant to get a message across to all those who come from families with controlling parents.  The message is "be honest, open and respect your spouse. Don't transfer the hostility you feel to innocent bystanders, like your wife and son.  It takes insight, judgement and reasoning to be a balanced person. It is my way of healing myself after our son and I became the victims of a controlling mother-in-law.  Society puts a heavy burden on young men, it expects the young males to be tough and just swallow the parental abuses they experience.  My husband once told me "he was not going to air the family's dirty linen.  The closest he ever came to tell the world of his abusive mother was this comedic line: "In my family my mother wore the pants, when she said jump you did not ask why you did ask how high."

     A while back I read a book about Adult Children of Controlling Parents.  The authors stated that most of  these adults can never live normal lives.  Many adult children move away and prefer to cut all contact with the abusive parent.  I must admit I too came from an abusive home.  In my home my old man was the batterer.  He used to beat us up and then bring us gifts.  After a while the gifts became meaningless and I started to hate my old man for using us as punching bags.  I felt this behavior was wrong but was to young to do something about it.  Finally at age 18 I had enough and hit back, he did calm down for a while but when ever he came into this rage he had to attack me.  My brother had to peel the old man off me.  I had enough.

     When my future husband proposed to me I was elated and I promised him that I will work hard not to become a batterer like my old man.  I wish I could say the same for my husband; he was not able to overcome his mother's abuses, instead he hurt us (our son and me) by abandoning us.

     After my husband abandoned us I was also faced with an empty checking account and 20 bounced checks.  As a new emigrant I was forced to work for minimum wage.  My husband found a job that paid him    
three times as much as I earned, yet he could not pay his share of child support.  In other words I was forced to raise a child I could not afford on my minimum wage income.  It was obvious that I had to get a college education if I was to make it in my new country of choice without my husband.  After night courses in algebra I chose to enter a two year college.  I am glad I did get all the education I could absorb.  Times got tougher, the economy took a dive in the late 1960s and early 1970s, I ended up on welfare and most of that money went for rent.  I graduated from a two year college but lack of funds forced me to forego a four year college.  Thank God Congress ordered the military to accept women with dependents.  Our son was eight at that time when I told him I will join the Army so we will have housing and medical care should anything happen to us.

     My husband fled the US in September 1971, only his relatives knew of his where-about.  It never occurred to them that our son might want to communicate with his father. In the feeling department the in-laws are lacking.   I often wonder just how severely my husband was abused by his mother.  A man who comes from a home with loving parents does not abandon his young family.

     Once my mother-in-law (Blanca R. Villarino) told me that she was responsible for Mark B. Villarino abandoning us our son and I realized that the only reason our son is a Villarino is because Blanca saw an opportunity to control her own son with her grandson.  She used our unborn child to control her son.  As long as my husband was the good boy she could control our son was her grandson.  Once she stopped paying for her son's education and my husband walked out on us our son was no longer of any value.  There was no more birthday and no more Christmas gift for our son.

     Our son is devastated that a woman who went to church every Sunday could be so cruel and use him purely to control Mark B.   Any one with insight is able to understand, should our son have to look at his grandmother he only sees the woman who condemned him to a life without a father.  What possessed this woman to condemn an unborn child ?  My husband made it quite clear to her that he did not want to be tied down by a child.  Obviously she did not care about our child's  future nor its welfare, else she would have helped us find an established, financially sound childless couple  to adopt our child.  My husband and I were indigent at the time; giving up a child for a better life is a noble sacrifice and our child as all children deserved a better life than what we could offer at the time.

     Blanca is 94 years old, she has yet to apologize to me and our son for the cruelty she caused  due to her controlling behavior.  Maybe she never learned to dispense kindness.  In one of my earlier blogs I posed the question: "What has she accomplished with her controlling behavior?"

    I invite all readers to please give me some answers to my questions.  Tell me about the human condition.  Thank youfor any response.  

My son needs funds to get through graduate school

In the past I wrote of my son and I being abandoned by my husband, professor Mark Bertram Villarino.  My husband never paid his share of the child support, consequently my son had to get his BS in Chemistry by the seat of his pants.  I am a breast cancer survivor living on my social security, not enough to help my son the get his Ph.D. in Chemistry.  I was asking my husband to please help our son but he does not care one iota about our son.  It has become apparent that my husband is a sociopath who wanted to reestablish a relationship with our son to use him to further his standing in his college community at la Universidad de Costa Rica.  This is a typical move of a sociopath, the family is only good to bolster his status in the college community.

It is important that my son get his Ph.D. because an undergraduate degree is no longer a guarantee for job security.  I sell off most of my assets to help my son further his education.  He has the intelligence it would be a shame if he could not afford to get this coveted degree.  If there are people reading this blog, please help.  My son's name is: Mark Villarino, 12124 Lindale St., Norwalk, CA 90650.  He wants to do his graduate work at UCLA, he got his BS there.  I can be reached at 7602236384 or <c.villari@hotmail.com>.  This blog is the real thing, I have no intention to con anybody out of their money.

Three generations of Villarino men had their dreams ruined.

The controlling mother ruined three generations of Villarino men.  Her husband came to Los Angeles to get his Ph.D. in chemistry.  In 1940 he had to walk away from his dream because his wife was pregnant with their son.  I was told it was the right thing to do.  Over time she must have gotten disenchanted with her husband's take home pay and arguments started over money.  It seems her son witnessed some of the arguments between his parents.  It did hurt this sensitive boy to hear his mother to debase his father, consequently he became determined to get that coveted Ph.D. no matter what.  He wanted to make his father proud.  His father died January 1968, he never got to see his son earn that degree.

The son is my husband who abandoned us, our son and me in July 1967.  As I mentioned in my earlier blog I was never told of the plot my mother-in-law spun against me in their bedroom with the door closed.  It appears she ordered her son to keep me in the dark about the cruelty she was capable to dish out.  In  July 1964 when she forced her son to keep her grandson she promised my husband they would pay for his education, in turn he has to keep her grandson.  The child was born on 30 November 1964.  She condemned to child to grow up without a father before it was born.  In July 1964 when this woman forced her son to keep her grandson my husband made it quite clear that he will not be tied down by a child and if she reneged on her promise he will walk out on us.  She did brake her promise and we lost my husband.  He never paid any child support although he earned three times as much as I did.  The moment he planned to abandon us he started on a self destruct path with drugs and whores.  In 1970 he was offered a teaching position at the University of Kentuckey at Lexington, KY.  This job lasted about 18 months because he was arrested for selling drugs to one of his students.  A few days before his trial he fled the country but not before he was able to get a job at a university in Buccamaranga, Columbia.  He could not stay there because he could not provide a background check, consequently the Columbian immigration asked him to leave the country.  From there he spent some time on Isla de Providencia, a Columbian island, obviously he had to leave the island as well.  In 1981 he somehow made it to Costa Rica where he now teaches at la Universidad de Costa Rica a San Jose Costa Rica since 1981.  He has not contacted me although he knows I love him very much.  I have written him letters, begging him to resume communications with me so we can work on a reconciliation.

Here was this woman who managed to get her husband to walk away from his dream, she tried to do the same to her own son only he chose to abandon his family rather walk away from his dream but in the end  it was our son who had to forego his dream because I never earned enough money to pay for his Ph.D. education;  my husband did not find it important to send his share of the child support.  I am questioning my mother-in-laws motives.  What has she gained by denying three generations of Villarino men their dream.  What does she have to show for her dysfunctional, controlling behavior.  I wonder if she ever has nightmares over ruining four lives.  For that matter I like to know if my husband has a guilty conscience for what he did to us his family.  It seems some people never learned anything about kindness or ethical intelligence otherwise  
there would no be so much pain in this world.

What causes a woman to become a controlling parent

I am researching human behavior since 1978 when I received intensive training as behavioral specialist at Health Services Command.  Since then I read many books on the subject of dysfunctional behavior, much of  what I read is so true and heartbreaking.

     Not a day goes by when a dysfunctional person makes the news.  In one of Dan Neuharth's Ph.D. book  he mentions that a controlling parent has a fear that developed in early childhood.  My mother-in-law used to tell everybody she came in contact that she was born a twin but her brother died, she also used to keep telling people that she had a miscarriage between each of her live births.  I questioned why it was so important to her to tell the world over and over of her heartbreak.  I can understand the need to air her grieve but how did that turn her into this controlling parent who restricted her son's boundaries, unless my husband's grandmother instilled that fear into my mother-in-law by constantly having reminded her that her brother died.

     Deductive reasoning tells me, my mother-in-law grew up feeling guilty about not having her twin brother to grow up with.  She developed this controlling behavior to cover for her insecurity.  Her controlling behavior must have been already developed when she found herself pregnant with her son who was born in late 1940.  I learned that my husband's father came to Los Angeles to study Chemistry but in 1940 he walked away from his college education.  For some reason unknown to me my father-in-law took responsibility and got a job to support his future family.  My husband used to tell me that his father did rarely partake in child care nor discipline and when at one time his father settled an argument in his favor between him and his mother he was very proud of his father.

     My husband's intellect developed in early childhood, so at an early age he started to question his mother's behavior. Once a teenager his mother's behavior caused him to run away.  He staid with aunts and uncles for a view days when his father came to take him home again.  The last attempt to run away ended at the Canadian border where his father had to come and take him home again.  Deductive reasoning tells me it was during these times when his father told my husband about his unrequited dream of a Ph.D.  He must have regretted that he had to walk away from his college education to support his new family.  My husband decided to go for his Ph.D. and nothing would stop him to achieve his goal.  He wanted to make his father proud.  My father-in-law died in Jan.1968, he would not see his son get the degree he had to forego.  Joe did not survive his second heart attack.  This was seven months after my husband abandoned us our son and me, his wife.